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RAIL SPLITTING with ABRAHAM

‘What will it require to impress upon your roly poly mind the feasibility of you and a consort splitting rails with the great rail splitter himself?’

By Jeremiah Lechmere on November 2nd, 1864

The commanding general of the US Army has something to say:

Hark, you cacafuego:

A bird tells me you‘ve donated:                   

$00.00

Are you some kind of pantywaist?

How might I gore your pudgy skullcap with the offer of you and the damn president splitting some fine Port Orford rails together?

Look, do you want to make Mr. Abraham Lincoln cry? Do you really want to see your president cry?

I thought not.                                      

Donate a damn dollar and you could enclose an open field alongside the greatest man the country has known.

‘Tis the price of five pounds of Castle Creek honey — what you would pay for a square meal and a lager of beer.

Unbreech your union suit; Let Ulysses see your yellow paunch, you pitiful, recreant namby-pampy.

Split rails with Abe.

Cuckold.

— Ulysses